cheekbones3 | (no subject)

Thanks for all your interest/advice in my home problems! Spoke to the lass in question last night to at least clear up what she really thinks about things, and she says it not that she's trying to get over me - more like she's trying to trust me enough to feel that we can be friends normally. It was described as being in three stages - crap, when she's really upset, in the middle where it seems to often be, and "normal". Trouble is, whenever it approaches normal, she gets closer to me and more "clingy" in my mind because she's feeling more comfortable. This makes me push her away, and makes her upset again. We just need to get past the stage where she tries to get close to me to build confidence so that she can be secure and not need to lean on me. Getting to this stage seems to be the problem however, since I need to get out way before she is comfortable enough. If I get away for a while, she has no-one to help her get back to normal. She needs to be with good friends, I need peace! Not sure how things could work if she's in Edinburgh. Hmmm!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Well it does sound like you do have something to go on there, and compromise can be obtained.

Are you being explicit when you need her to back off and give you more space? I mean, actually saying that's what you need? That, to me, if I were in her shoes, would be more understandable and less potentially hurtful than random acts of pushing away, if you see what I mean.

Perhaps working out how much time you *are* comfortable with and sticking to that could be helpful? That way she knows she's not completely on her own, she has something to build on, yeah?

I know what was a shock to me when a relationship ended which was, to me, much more a friendship than anything else, was going from spending lots of time together, to not speaking. That was disjointed, felt weird, wrong, and it was that which was upsetting, not the termination of physical relations. A phasing out approach would have been much more helpful at the time.

It does sound like you're going through this cycle of giving in, then getting annoyed, rather than taking a more systematic approach, which might be easier on both of you. But hey - I'm not you, and I'm not there, so I might be wrong ;)

Aunty Lisa ;)

I tell her very much that I need space! I don't think she can cope very well with thinking logically about doing things she normally does without thought, like demanding hugs and being in my face, even when I do ask her to ease off. I either ask her to calm down, which she finds upsetting, or I try and edge away metaphorically, which she picks up on and gets upset. Bleugh! Thanks for the advice though.

No problems - just trying to give a girly eye view, really.

*grins*

Bloody women.

Can't live with them... can't do certain things without then.... :p