(no subject)

[cheekbones3]

Oh and while I'm in a strange mood, just a few words to you all.

I may not appear to be the best of friends with you most of the time - I'm a bit lazy, I forget birthdays, it appears I can't be arsed. That's possibly because quite often, I actually can't be. I'm just a bit of a selfish arsehole I suppose! Maybe I've known you for ages, or only a short while, maybe I just think you're good looking, funny, intelligent, and great conversationalist, inspirational, boring, sad, strange, informative, useful, or a combination of the above and others. Does that matter? Probably not. I think most of you are pretty nice, and I just don't know some of you, and I'm pretty sure I'd like to spend more time with quite a few of you, getting to know you better, sharing beers, doing the same things, but then I also want to do all sorts of stuff on my own too. I struggle to reconcile the two, and I often neglect them both, leaving myself sad, lonely and unfulfilled.

So all in all, I'm sorry if you think I'm a crap friend, or a crap person if you want, but just because I don't speak to you for a decade, or for two weeks, it doesn't mean to say that I don't want to, it's just that I'm often a bit shit, lazy, and life gets in the way. When I'm supreme executive being (as elected on a weekly basis in the anarcho-cynicalist commune), there will be 27 hours in each day, especially for sleeping, and the equatorial rotation of the Earth will be reduced to about 888mph to make up the difference in daylight. Maybe.

Bugger, this post stopped being too serious. Wargk! I can't stay serious long enough! Arsenkrakzen. Anyway, if I appear to be a patronising bastard, it's probably because I actually am an insufferable know-it-all. Just kick me. If I appear shy, shout at me to make me be more outgoing and comfortable. Just shout at me in general - keep me on my toes. If I don't give enough, then I'm just bollocks. Hopefully I'll get better. If I don't appear to trust you, it's because I have issues with trust - make me trust you. Physical force if necessary is fine. Just prod me now and again. And if you've never met me yet, or had much conversation with me, then run away! Or talk to me about politics or science or something. Or music actually. I love hard conversation where everyone learns, and passions are roused, but no beer is spilt. Raaaaaar!

Comments

[nickys.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that if this is a problem which crops up regularly then you haven't got the balance quite right yet.

Yes, people (myself included) would like to see you more, but you'd probably be more relaxed and therefore better company if you did all the solitary stuff you'd like to do before making time for your friends.

If you find yourself in a cycle where you feel guilty about not doing enough with your friends, and that guilt is preventing you from doing the stuff that you'd like to do without your friends, you're bound to end up stressed.
And when you're stressed you can't give friends what they really want anyway, so that leads to more disappointment, more pressure and more guilt.

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

I'm forever switching between two extremes basically! I need to stick to a mindset for a while.

[nickys.livejournal.com]

Yes, and it's important to remember that you'll be able to be a better friend in the long run if you're making sure your own needs are met.

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Aye.