(no subject)

[cheekbones3]

I think 90% of my time has been occupied by one person since Thursday night, and by god I need out of here tonight! And most of the time, it was because it was easier than going alone and getting shit for it later. I really need a full day away! Can anyone entertain me this evening?

Comments

[ophelia-complex.livejournal.com]

eeek - if you're talking about who I think you're talking about - then you need to tell her straight exactly what the relationship is and why thats not going to change!

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Possibly - I'm not sure, though, cos I've theoretically arranged something, but I've not heard back from them and don't know if they've seen the email yet.

So I'm indeterminate. I'd know for sure one way or the other later though. You could ping me online after work?

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

She knows this, but is just naturally clingy - especially when she doesn't really feel that she knows anyone else well enough. The best I can do is have other arrangements, but it just isn't enough sometimes...

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

I'll hopefully be out by then, but we can see!

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

*grins*

NP - just thought I'd offer, since you seem to be stir crazy.

Oh. And what Andrea said.

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

The poor lass just can't help it, and the more I push her away, the worse it gets. :O(

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

I don't have all the details here, but if the problem is that she feels she doesn't know people, is there anything she is interested in that you could encourage her to get out and do? You don't meet new people by staying in your own comfort zone, after all....

Doing a bit of active dating helped me get over this hump, but that's not a solution that works for everyone. But there must be *something* out there to get her out and about...

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Believe me I try - that's one reason why I see her so much because I try to take her to things I do to meet people. She won't phone other people however unless she knows them very well, so relies on me almost exclusively for a social life. She's getting to know a couple of people a bit better, but it's an extremely slow process...

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

Sounds like she's scared of being alone. Believe me, I have sympathy for that one.

It's a bitch to get over, but she has to get over it, I've been there, and know how much better I felt once I did get over it.

Even baby steps would be a start, and support from you would be helpful, but she can't rely on you. It's a strain on you, from your postings, anyway, and it's not sustainable. And in the end she'll just be in the same position.

If she feels she doesn't know folk in general, special interest groups would be a place to start. Heck, if she has an LJ, the LJ meetup is tomorrow, and a good place to get over the fear of meeting strangers. I'm not going tomorrow, but the regulars would look after her, I'm sure.

But I'm not familiar with the situation and could be way off base. If this isn't helpful, ignore me :)

[guyinahat.livejournal.com]

Underworld is showing at the Warner tonight, 5:30 and 8:40. I'll be going to one of them. Other than that, you could drop by for the rest of the game of Risk.

And there's always beer!

I'm off to bed now, let me know if you wanna catch the flick.

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

Is she online at all? I ask because I know I've found LJ a great networking tool, and also a good place to stake out interesting looking people and get to know them a bit better. It's a fantastic ice breaker, and I find I'm more likely to message someone for a quick chat than I am to pick up the phone, myself.

The net is a godsend for shy people ;)

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Erm - I just can't think of anything that she could do - and I wouldn't mind having LJ for my own private ranting!

I'm trying my best to help her get over me, but when it's me trying to do that, it's bloody hard!

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Okay cheers! Might be up for risk, not sure about the film...

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Not at the moment - she uses my computer to check her e-mail when I'm not on it. We might have broadband soon, so she could then maybe get involved, but right now she doesn't have much chance.

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

In all honesty, you're probably not the best person to help her get over you. That's why her getting out and going stuff is so important, particularly as you're in the position of still living together, which is *not* ideal for moving on purposes.

She must have *some* interests, surely?

As for LJ, you can always rant on a custom friends filter, I've done enough of that in the past ;)

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

*nods*

That might help - I've had great fun being a LJ stalker ;)

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Indeed. As for her interests...she likes playing cards/games, animals, socialising with people she knows...erm that's all I can think of!

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Maybe that is the answer - we shall see!

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

Card games as in Magic etc?

Liam's shop holds regular tournaments, might be worth getting in touch with him?

Black Lion Games, on Causewayside (well, I think it's Causewayside at that point) - down from the Moo bar.

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Just playing cards!

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

Hmm.

As the woman with 10,000 hobbies TM, this is stumping me somewhat.

There must be clubs that cater for this kind of thing, the trick would be finding one with a suitable age group, I guess...

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Maybe LJ would be a good outlet - I've always thought of it as my sanctuary, but it would be a good solution...

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

Well, it still *can* be your santuary, you just need to be a bit canny with your custom filter groups when you feel the need to vent...

Pretty much all my stuff is friends only because I want to know who reads it, and am not interested in some people having access to my life. It works fine that way, for me, anyway.

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Aye - but I'd lose another evening on my own I suppose, with meet-ups gone!

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

Yeah,

I can see that.

It's a tricky one, to provide enough support to give her the confidence to stand on her own, without effectively stopping her from dealing because you're still there in the same way (in certain ways) as when you were going out and she's still in the same comfort zone, IYSWIM?

You do need to make sure you get sufficient space - and her being upset you're spending time elsewhere isn't necessarily a reason not to. Support her in building a new life, yes, but you have to live yours as well.

I know when I was trying to cope with learning to be alone, what *I* wanted was support and encouragement as a friend from my ex as I tried new things, tried dating, worked out how to *do* this - and boy, was I rusty, since I hadn't been single for almost 11 years! I didn't get that, unfortunately, but that's what I wanted. What I didn't want was him to spend lots of time with me, that would have been counterproductive. I just wanted to be able to pick up the phone, say "Meep! I'm scared", and have him listen.

I don't know if that's how she feels, I just know that was what *I* would have found helpful. I do think you're in a particularly difficult situation because you're still living together, and it's so much harder to get that distance.

Meh *hugs* - it's a tricky one. From both sides, I suspect. Perhaps the only way you guys will actually get separate lives is if one of you takes the initiative to live apart?

[meran555.livejournal.com]

i would LOVE to entertain you!
too bad you're an ocean away....;)

[stormy-brow.livejournal.com]

If you don't mind, I'd like to throw in my two cents here (and please forgive me if this is terribly American of me to say):

You need to tell this woman, straight away, what your intentions are (or are not). That's the only way you're really going to be able to have her get over you.

[nickys.livejournal.com]

It's been said before - and better than I can say it - that you are not helping her by giving in and taking her with you when you go out.

She won't learn to cope with making friends on her own unless she has to, and, more importantly, she won't manage to get over you until you're not available to her anymore.

Ideally it would be good if you two could be friends in the long term, but at the moment, while she's still confusing friendship with a potential restarting of a relationship, it would be better for both of you to have a break from spending any time together.

Are there any friends of yours who might be prepared to call her and invite her to stuff which you're not going to? Thomas, possibly? Or skx?
If you let me know her email address I'll invite her on the next Girls Night Out. Or, if she roleplays, we've got the girly group on Thursday nights too...

I suggest that you do keep her off LJ, though. It's a right pain having to go back through all your old posts and re-set the access level to the relevant ones (I had to do it a while back because of my stalker), and, as you say, LJ Meetups would no longer be something you could do without her.

Can't help you with tonight, but I've a vague recollection that reiki was mentioned as a possibility for sometime this month?

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Yes I think you're right. The only way I'll move at the moment is if I get work elsewhere. I think she's too pessimistic to move.

I'll just keep trying to get her to do things...

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

I've told her many a time! What she needs to do is actually see an alternative to the current situation...

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

The only trouble is that if I stay away from her, she'll get very upset for a while. I'm not sure if I want to inflict that on my flatmates! Next time she gets upset, that may be the way to go however.

AS for people asking her out, maybe they could, although it would seem a bit false for me to prod people to do that!

Her address is bunnyphone@hotmail.com

I'm sure she'd enjoy a girlie night, as long as people spoke to her anyway!

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

We probably need a little more information on her than "Ian's ex", though ;)

I actually think the roleplaying idea isn't a bad one - it's quite girly and quite relaxed, something that a newcomer to roleplaying could cope with, for sure...

[lyra.livejournal.com]

What does she do? uni/work? Does she live in the same place as you?
Maybe she just needs to break away and live somewhere else if that is the case. When you work/live somewhere else you're bound to meet new people..

[imagesandwords.livejournal.com]

Thomas ask girl out to dinner... thats clearly gonna make it better for everyone.

No, really.

[dominatrix-vamp.livejournal.com]

i tried to say hi to her on the way to football but she ignored me :(

why dont u try come out with me tomorrow??
i need fun! and so do u by sounds of it

[neferet.livejournal.com]

I can't help you in the week, but if you want to get out for a bit this weekend, I would like to borrow you this saturday coming, weather permitting...

[lee-lou.livejournal.com]

Aaaaaarrggghh. Reading all of this makes me fret for several reasons.

I have sympathy for you because of the difficult situation that this has put you in, but at the same time I feel sorry for Lorraine [funny how no-one else here actually uses her name....] because I totally understand how she feels.

If I was brave enough, I'd talk to her about how she feels and offer her some advice as to how to get over you [it took me long enough with Ben but things do get better :)], but I think it would be wrong of me to initiate such a conversation. I mean, she probably doesn't even know that I am aware of the current situation. Perhaps you could suggest to Lorraine that I would be the type of person she might want to chat to when she feels down? I'd be more than happy for her to call me.

I dont know. I know you need somewhere to vent but seeing everyone on here talking about Lorraine like this depresses me. I guess I know her better than people here?

Dont get me wrong, I know that people here are offering advice and possible solutions in order to try and help Lorraine, but at the same time, I feel like it's a big secret Lorraine-bashing society :(

*sigh* I knew I was in a funny mood today. Sorry. I'll probably regret this comment tomorrow. *hugs* xx

[nickys.livejournal.com]

I was thinking more along the lines of inviting her to come to the pub when you're meeting a group of friends or something low-stress like that.

[nickys.livejournal.com]

> funny how no-one else here actually uses her name....

Surely that's just normal LJ ettiquette? If anyone doesn't know the situation already they (hopefully) won't be able to figure out who is being talked about if her name isn't used.

> I feel like it's a big secret Lorraine-bashing society

No, really, it isn't.
I've only met her twice, but she seems nice enough, and, after all, we've all been in the position of being in unrequited love at some point in our lives, so it's not hard to sympathise with the situation.

I suppose my opinion is that it would be less painful for both of them in the long run to just have a clean break and get all the heartache over with in one go rather than carry on with a situation which is clearly stressful for both of them indefinitely.
I've seen situations like this go on for years, and that's not good for anyone.

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Trouble is she's not got the confidence to live with people she doesn't know. If anyone's going t move it's going to be me...and she doesn't seem to have much social life from work - she works in an office for the moment. A more academic environment would suit her. Something will have to give soon no doubt!

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

I think you should :O)

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Strange...I'm already booked today - maybe later in the week though?

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Ah yes - that sounds great!

[cheekbones3.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it! I know what you mean - it's hard to paint a good picture of her that's all!